Four Months!

It's been way over a month since I last posted, but as with most things around here, blogging has just kind of fallen by the wayside since I went back to work. It's really hard to find balance. Harder than I thought it would be.
Anyway, my sweet baby girl turned 4 months old over 2 weeks ago. I thought I'd better update before she turns 5 months old! She's wearing 6 - 9 month clothes, and she can fit into a few 12 month things. Yikes! I can't believe how much she's growing.
Sleep: Campbell is ready for bed a lot earlier now...usually by 8:30 at the latest. She's still a good sleeper, waking only once a night to eat. Every now and then, she sleeps all night long.

Eating Habits: Campbell still doesn't have much of a pattern at Ms. Gayle's yet. She's been taking about 8 ounces over the course of the day. I usually am able to feed her on my lunch break. At home, she's eating every 2 1/2 to 3 hours.

New Discoveries: Some of my coworkers gave Campbell a taggie blanket, and she absolutely LOVES it. She is fascinated by the ribbons.

Accomplishments: She's finally given me a few real laughs! She can also grab things and hold onto them, and she's sitting with support. She's got awesome head control.

Places She's Gone: Campbell had a big month! She went to her very first football game at Lindsey Wilson College in Columbia. She did great...she slept through the vast majority of it. She also got to go with us to Lake Cumberland for a few days. I had to be there for three days in late September for meetings, and she and David were able to go with me. He watched her while I was in meetings.

New Friends: It was a big month for friends, too! Campbell finally got to meet her friend, Kate Sexton! They had such a good time playing at Kate's house. I hope they'll have many more play dates in the future. She also met a lot of my coworkers at Lake Cumberland. We also went to David's work picnic and she met some of his coworkers' children who are similar ages: Briley and Remington.

New Babbles: Campbell still loves to talk, and she's still loud! She's blowing bubbles and raspberries now.

The Difference a Year Makes...

Wow...it's just amazing the difference 365 days can make. One year ago today, my life was different. It was definitely a bittersweet day. One year ago today, after dreading this day for weeks, I woke up to the due date we were given for our first baby, the one we lost at around 10 weeks. The day had loomed over me like a huge, dark cloud, and it had finally arrived. David and I woke up and started to get ready to go to my Dad's retirement party, and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I knew that it was going to be negative, as they all had been for the previous four or five months. I figured that the day was already terrible enough, and I'd rather get all of the crappiness (is that a word?) out of the way at once. You can imagine my surprise when I got this:
I really, really didn't believe that I was pregnant. In fact, this is only one of the many pregnancy tests I took over the course of the week until I got in at my OB's office. I just knew that one of the days, it would tell me that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It seems like a lifetime ago that I got that test. I will always, always be thankful that I got this news on what I expected to be one of the worst days of my life. September 18, 2010 was still a tough day, even with this good news, because I couldn't help but think about what might have been.
For the last few days, as I realized September 18 was approaching, I've been thinking a lot about that little life that was with us for 10 weeks. I can't say that I've been sad, exactly...I can't really describe the emotion I've felt. I'll always wonder what that baby would have been like. Was it a boy or a girl? Would it have looked like me or David? There are so many what ifs, and they'd slowly kill me, if I let them. Over the last year, I've decided that I don't need to know why we lost our first baby. For a long time, I didn't feel like I had a "right" to grieve that loss, but now I realize that that child is a part of my story, and I loved (and still do love) him or her, and I have every right to feel grief over losing him or her. It's no longer a grief, exactly...I guess you'd just say it's a rememberance accompanied by a little bit of longing.
Today, one year later, God has blessed us with this sweet, sweet girl:
She is truly the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. It's strange to know that if we hadn't lost our first baby, that this precious girl wouldn't be here...and I can't imagine a life without her. Perhaps our first baby gave me a glimpse at the amount of love I could have for another tiny person.
Any way I look at it, on this night one year later, I know, without a doubt, that I am blessed beyond measure.

Three Months!

My sweet girl is three months old now! We weighed and measured her yesterday morning...she weighs 16.5 pounds and is 25 inches long. What a big, big girl! The vast majority of the clothes we've got right now are 0-3 months, and they're pretty much too small. Well, anything smaller than 3 months is out of the question, and the 3 month stuff is tight! She's got a few 6 month things, and those are quite comfortable for now. I just can't believe how big she's gotten! Here's what she looks like right now:

Sleep: When she sleeps, she's such a good sleeper. She just isn't much on napping. She'll nap forever if we're holding her or she's laying on our chests, but a nap in the crib, cradle, or pack 'n play is very rare. Her final bedtime at night is between 10 and 10:30, and from there, she'll sleep until around 3am. If I can catch her around that time and she's stirring, but not completely awake, she'll go right back down after I feed her and stay asleep until 5:30 or 6:00. If she's already awake, it's a struggle to get her back to sleep. David usually ends up going to the couch with her to sleep until I get ready for work, then I take her and he goes back to bed. It works okay, but I'm looking forward to both of us being able to sleep in the same bed all night again.
Eating Habits: When we're both at home, Campbell eats about every 2 1/2 hours, just like clockwork. The babysitter's is a different story. I think she tries to wait for me. Most days, she'll just take one bottle (if I'm able to go feed her during my lunch break). If I can't nurse her at lunch she'll take two bottles...generally a total of 7oz for the day (during the time she's at the sitter's).
New Discoveries: She's becoming so much more aware of the world around her, and it's so much fun to watch! We have a set of 3 rattley bugs that attach to her car seat handle, and she's just mesmerized by them. When I'm grocery shopping, she "talks" to the bugs the whole time! She also went swimming on the hottest day of the year! She did great...I really thought she'd scream the whole time, but she was completely content and relaxed the whole time.
Accomplishments: During tummy time, she raises her chest up while she's supported by her arms. She loves to look at books while she's doing tummy time! She's also really started to enjoy standing on our laps while we hold her. Her very favorite activity now is to be pulled to sitting from her back. She holds her head level with her body the whole time, and just smiles and laughs! She also loves to look at herself in the mirror. A couple of weeks ago, I was nursing her in the dressing room at Target, and we couldn't get anything done because she was talking to herself in the mirror!
Places She's Gone: We had a play date at the park with the Dailey's and the Chilton's. We took her to David's great aunt's funeral in Charlestown, Indiana, and she did great. She hardly made a peep during the entire service (granted, she was asleep for a lot of it, but still...). She's also gone to the airport twice...to pick up her Orr grandparents, and to drop off her Granny and Pop Pop.
New Friends: Ms. Gayle, her babysitter. She's been going to Ms. Gayle's house for 6 days now and I guess it's going well. I still hate taking her to the sitter, and honestly, I hope sometime it works out that I can stay home with her. I just don't have a whole lot of peace about this whole leaving her with a sitter thing. Everyone says it gets better...we'll see.
New Babbles: Campbell "talks" all the time! She doesn't have an inside voice, and she especially enjoys talking during church. She's been saying "guh," "ah-goo," and "ah-ooh" for awhile now.

Babies Don't Keep

I have exactly nine days left until I go back to work. Nine more short days where my only task is to be a mother to my baby girl. In nine days, I have to give over at least 40 hours a week of her life over to another person's care. I may have the opportunity to do some work from home, but even then, I will be distracted from caring for her. So, for the next nine days, this is my mantra:

Babies Don't Keep

Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.

But I'm playing Kanga, and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow

But children grow up, as I've learned from my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs! Dust, go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

Two Months!

I'm a few days late with the two month post, but we've had other things that needed to get done (eating, playing, sleeping, etc.) first! It's so hard to believe that little Miss Priss is already two months old! Isn't she the cutest?
We've had a really good month. I'd say that in the time frame from 1 month to 2 months, we've settled into a pretty good routine. I think that now, I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on things and don't feel clueless nearly as much. I think David would disagree with me, but I don't think I'm as hypervigilant about everything as I was a month ago. Yes, I still check numerous times a day to make sure she's breathing, but I think that's pretty normal.
I'm amazed at how much Campbell has changed over the last month. She's so much more alert and active now, and she's really beginning to truly interact with us. She can smile socially now, and she coos like crazy! She says "ah-goo" and "oooh" and a few other sounds, too. When I hold an object about 6-8 inches above her and move it from side to side, she can follow it 180 degrees. When someone is holding her and she sees someone else in the room, she will follow them with her eyes. She holds her head up great, and doesn't like it if she can't see what's going on around her. She also able to put her hands together and get her hands in her mouth purposely. Finger chewing is one of her favorite passtimes! One of her favorite toys is her Baby Einstein floor gym. She loves that thing, and as I type this, she's very nearly worked her way in a circle around the mat by kicking her feet (and chewing her fingers the whole time). What a busy little girl!
She's growing like a weed! At her 2 month appointment, she weighed in at 12 lbs, 12 oz and was 24 1/4" long! What a big, big girl! I was dreading that appointment because I knew she'd be getting 2 shots and an oral vaccine. It wasn't just her reaction to the shots I was dreading, but also the possibility of fever afterwards. She did cry for a bit after the shots, but I nursed her as soon as they were done, and she calmed down quickly. She got two pink camoflage band-aids for her bravery. :) And, the best part of all was that she never ran a fever or got fussy. She's such a trooper! Now we don't have to go back to the doctor for 2 months, which will be nice.
It seems like every week I put away more and more clothes because they've gotten too little. Just this morning, I tried a few 6 month outfits on her to see how long it would be until they fit. Um...they fit NOW! Yikes! I really didn't think she'd be in them so soon! She's now wearing a size 2 diaper, and has been for several weeks. Saturday night we went to a surprise party for our friend Jessi, and when I was nursing Campbell in Jessi's daughter Olivia's room, I saw her diaper stacker. Olivia, who is nearly 2 is just wearing a size 3 diaper. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw that. I mentioned it to Jessi and another friend, and they reassured me that all of their girls wore a size 3 diaper for a really long time. Let's hope so!
The only other news of note, I guess, is that I go back to work in about 2 1/2 weeks. I'm dreading it. Absolutely dreading it. We've found a private sitter for Campbell, and I feel good about having her stay with Miss Gail (who came to us highly recommended by several people), but it's hard. This whole idea of having her stay with someone who's not family is kind of strange to both David and I. David's mom stayed home from work after he was born, and my grandparents watched my sister and I when my parents were at work. We don't expect any of our parents to stay home and watch Campbell full-time, because she's our responsibility. I would just really like to be able to be with her. This may sound horrible, and before I say it, let me say that I love Campbell more than absolutely anything in the world. She is simply amazing, and I would never trade her for anything. But sometimes I find myself thinking that we shouldn't have had kids unless one of us could stay at home with her all the time. I know kids have gone to sitters for ages and ages and turn out fine, but I really feel like the best situation would be for me to be at home with her. I just want to protect her and make sure she gets the best care possible, and it's hard for me to think that someone else can do that. Unfortunately, that's not possible for us right now, so I'm going to try to make the best of it.
Right now, our days consist of eating, playing, sleeping, and trying to get a few things done around the house. It's been a big adjustment to not be able to get any job done from start to finish in one fell swoop, but I'm getting used to it. The house isn't as neat and tidy as it was BC (Before Campbell), but we manage. The way I see it, the dishes, the dust, and the laundry will be around forever, but I only have these 12 weeks with her one time, so that's were I'm going to focus my attention. So off I go to play with my sweet girl while the laundry lays around in the baskets!

A Borrowed Prayer for My Daughter

About once every two weeks or so, I come up with some kind of brilliant plan to either improve my parenting (which usually fails) or simplify baby care (which also usually fails). Earlier in the week, I decided that I would go back to trying to nurse Campbell in the bed during the middle of the night, rather than getting her out of the Pack 'N Play, tiptoeing into her room, getting the My Brest Friend on, nursing her, then tiptoeing back to our room and depositing her back into the Pack 'N Play. Before we put her to bed that night, I put the Boppy by our bed (which I hate as a nursing pillow, by the way) and went to sleep thinking that the middle of the night feeding would go super-smoothly. At about 2am, Campbell woke up hungry, so I nursed her back to sleep and laid her back in the Pack 'N Play. As I mentally high-fived myself for an easy nighttime feeding, I heard it. The unmistakable gurgling of one of her super-poops. Once I knew she was done, I undid the incredibly noisy velcro of her swaddle wrap, which woke her up completely. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, she looked and me and gave me a gummy grin. While those grins melt my heart, they're not exactly what I want to see at 2:40am. As I unsnapped her onesie and removed her diaper, I realized that not only had the poop gone up her back and through her onesie, but also through the swaddle wrap and her sheets. Yuck. I'd been defeated by the poop and had no choice but to wake up David to help me. I just couldn't change the sheets and her by myself. He was super-groggy, but I really just needed him to be awake enough to not roll over her or let her fall off the bed as I laid her in our bed long enough to change her sheets. Once I'd changed the sheets on her bed and reswaddled her, I settled in to nurse her to sleep again. I was pretty well exhausted, but as I looked at her, I thought, "There is absolutely nothing else I'd rather be doing." I was just overcome with love for that sweet little girl who relies on David and me for everything. The love I felt for her then is just something I can't really describe. I'm so very thankful to have her in my life, and I can't imagine anything being more fulfilling than being her mom.
That very early morning adventure reminded me of something I'd read while I was pregnant. It's Tina Fey's "A Prayer for My Daughter," from her book Bossypants. It's irreverent and offbeat, and even though it's got some foul language, I agree with every word of it. Here it is:

"First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie the Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful, but not Damaged, for it's the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop", "Tower of Torture", or "The Death Spiral Rock 'N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith," and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I'm asking You, because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Dammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of Her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need not lie with Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - and Adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50am., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. "My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck. "My mother did this for me." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen."

One Month!

Our little girl is already a month old...and I just can't believe it. I was just telling David the other night that it's so hard to believe that she's only been here for a month. It just doesn't seem possible, because in a lot of ways, I feel like I've known her forever! I often wonder what life was about before she came. I've been looking at the pictures from the day she was born, and it's amazing how much she's already changed! Here's what she looks like at one month:
What a cutie! I know I'm more than a little biased, but I just think she's a gorgeous, precious, perfect little girl. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I know that God tailor-made her for David and I. She's a good sleeper, a good eater, and a laid-back baby with a wonderful temperament. Sure, she has her fussy times, but don't we all? (I know I do!) I've learned so much over the last month!
* There must be some truth to that whole maternal instinct thing. As a person who didn't have much experience with babies, I've found that a lot of "mothering" comes naturally.
* I will probably never be on time for much of anything again for quite some time...and I'm okay with that.
* I can do a lot more with one hand than I ever thought possible.
* It's incredible just how much poop can come out of one tiny person!
* I'm still in amazement that the milk my body makes is all the nourishment this sweet little girl needs...and she seems to be thriving!
* Things I thought I'd be self-conscious about don't really bother me, because I know it's what my baby needs. (Nursing in public is a prominent example here.)
* Help from family and friends can make all the difference in the world!
* David is the baby whisperer! If I can't get Campbell to sleep, he can. If I can't get her to burp, he can. And he's a great diaper changer!
* Flexibility is one of the most important things to embrace when you have a baby.
* Campbell really likes to be held and carried over your shoulder.
* I know Campbell is my daughter. She loves to eat, loves to sleep, and is a little impatient!
* A real smile from her can make all the stress of the day completely worth it!

On Saturday afternoon, David and I took Miss Campbell to get her one month pictures taken. What an adventure that was! As with most things, she was a really good sport, tolerating clothes changes, flashing lights, and being moved around a lot...but when she was done, she let us know! We got some adorable pictures and had a really tough time choosing which ones to buy. Here's a sneak peek at some of her pictures:

Such a sweet face! I'm so glad we got a few with her bright eyes open!

I love this one. The photographer said, "She just needs a little pair of sunglasses!"

I think she looks quite a bit like I did in some of my baby pictures in this pose.