Sunday, September 18, 2011
I really, really didn't believe that I was pregnant. In fact, this is only one of the many pregnancy tests I took over the course of the week until I got in at my OB's office. I just knew that one of the days, it would tell me that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It seems like a lifetime ago that I got that test. I will always, always be thankful that I got this news on what I expected to be one of the worst days of my life. September 18, 2010 was still a tough day, even with this good news, because I couldn't help but think about what might have been.
For the last few days, as I realized September 18 was approaching, I've been thinking a lot about that little life that was with us for 10 weeks. I can't say that I've been sad, exactly...I can't really describe the emotion I've felt. I'll always wonder what that baby would have been like. Was it a boy or a girl? Would it have looked like me or David? There are so many what ifs, and they'd slowly kill me, if I let them. Over the last year, I've decided that I don't need to know why we lost our first baby. For a long time, I didn't feel like I had a "right" to grieve that loss, but now I realize that that child is a part of my story, and I loved (and still do love) him or her, and I have every right to feel grief over losing him or her. It's no longer a grief, exactly...I guess you'd just say it's a rememberance accompanied by a little bit of longing.
Today, one year later, God has blessed us with this sweet, sweet girl:
She is truly the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. It's strange to know that if we hadn't lost our first baby, that this precious girl wouldn't be here...and I can't imagine a life without her. Perhaps our first baby gave me a glimpse at the amount of love I could have for another tiny person.
Any way I look at it, on this night one year later, I know, without a doubt, that I am blessed beyond measure.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sleep: When she sleeps, she's such a good sleeper. She just isn't much on napping. She'll nap forever if we're holding her or she's laying on our chests, but a nap in the crib, cradle, or pack 'n play is very rare. Her final bedtime at night is between 10 and 10:30, and from there, she'll sleep until around 3am. If I can catch her around that time and she's stirring, but not completely awake, she'll go right back down after I feed her and stay asleep until 5:30 or 6:00. If she's already awake, it's a struggle to get her back to sleep. David usually ends up going to the couch with her to sleep until I get ready for work, then I take her and he goes back to bed. It works okay, but I'm looking forward to both of us being able to sleep in the same bed all night again.
Eating Habits: When we're both at home, Campbell eats about every 2 1/2 hours, just like clockwork. The babysitter's is a different story. I think she tries to wait for me. Most days, she'll just take one bottle (if I'm able to go feed her during my lunch break). If I can't nurse her at lunch she'll take two bottles...generally a total of 7oz for the day (during the time she's at the sitter's).
New Discoveries: She's becoming so much more aware of the world around her, and it's so much fun to watch! We have a set of 3 rattley bugs that attach to her car seat handle, and she's just mesmerized by them. When I'm grocery shopping, she "talks" to the bugs the whole time! She also went swimming on the hottest day of the year! She did great...I really thought she'd scream the whole time, but she was completely content and relaxed the whole time.
Accomplishments: During tummy time, she raises her chest up while she's supported by her arms. She loves to look at books while she's doing tummy time! She's also really started to enjoy standing on our laps while we hold her. Her very favorite activity now is to be pulled to sitting from her back. She holds her head level with her body the whole time, and just smiles and laughs! She also loves to look at herself in the mirror. A couple of weeks ago, I was nursing her in the dressing room at Target, and we couldn't get anything done because she was talking to herself in the mirror!
Places She's Gone: We had a play date at the park with the Dailey's and the Chilton's. We took her to David's great aunt's funeral in Charlestown, Indiana, and she did great. She hardly made a peep during the entire service (granted, she was asleep for a lot of it, but still...). She's also gone to the airport twice...to pick up her Orr grandparents, and to drop off her Granny and Pop Pop.
New Friends: Ms. Gayle, her babysitter. She's been going to Ms. Gayle's house for 6 days now and I guess it's going well. I still hate taking her to the sitter, and honestly, I hope sometime it works out that I can stay home with her. I just don't have a whole lot of peace about this whole leaving her with a sitter thing. Everyone says it gets better...we'll see.
New Babbles: Campbell "talks" all the time! She doesn't have an inside voice, and she especially enjoys talking during church. She's been saying "guh," "ah-goo," and "ah-ooh" for awhile now.