Friday, January 7, 2011

19 Weeks

I can't really believe it's been 6 weeks since I last posted anything here. I'm now in mid-2nd trimester, I suppose, and things are going well. David asked me last night if I'd done anything with the "baby blog" lately, and I had to tell him that I hadn't. I haven't really thought about why I haven't posted in a while, but I think it's because I felt like there really wasn't anything to report. I was talking with a friend last night (who has also been through miscarriage), and we were talking about the anxiety that accompanies a pregnancy after a loss. I realized that even though that first trimester is terrifying, I felt some reassurance every time I felt nauseous. I think that as long as I felt the nausea (and other pregnancy symptoms), everything was okay. But then I got into my second trimester (the "honeymoon" trimester, they say), and as is to be expected, most of those symptoms went away. I no longer gagged every time I brushed my teeth, etc. But at the same time, I didn't have anything reassuring me that baby was still healthy inside me. That's what was terrifying. I didn't have a "baby bump," I couldn't feel any movement, etc. We did have two appointments that let us hear the baby's heartbeat, but in between those appointments I was a nervous wreck.
Right before Christmas, I was talking with a group of friends who've all had babies. They all wanted to know if I'd felt any movement yet...and I hadn't. Of course that made me nervous. They all did a great job of reassuring me that I would soon, and they told me to pay attention to things that felt like "flutters." I never felt anything like fluttering, but I did occassionally feel something that felt like bubbles bursting or popcorn popping. At one of my appointments, I asked my OB about it, and she said, "That's it! That's quickening!" I felt so relieved...I now had a way to know that our little one was still okay in there. That held me over for an additional two weeks, until my 19 week ultrasound and anatomy scan, which was yesterday.
I won't lie...I wasn't really looking forward to the appointment. It's not that I wasn't excited to see our baby...I was! I was just terrified that the ultrasound would show some kind of birth defect. I felt so much anxiety for about a week up to the appointment that I was miserable. Yesterday morning, as I sat in my car, I just cried before going into the office. As I started to pray, it became abundantly clear to me that Satan had been preying on my biggest fears over the last week. I had absolutely no reason to believe that anything was wrong with our baby, and I knew that even if our little one had a birth defect, that this was the baby that God has given us, and we would love him or her unconditionally anyway. After my conversation with God, I felt incredibly at peace, wiped off my tears, and went confidently into the office to wait for David. Luckily we didn't have a long wait at the office (I was the first appointment!), so there wasn't much time to get worked up again. Marta, the ultrasound tech, was wonderful and worked for about 30 - 40 minutes to get all of the images she needed. And our baby looks perfect! We came away with images of baby's face, hands, and feet, and of course, they're precious! :) Baby is measuring right on schedule, and all of his/her organs look perfect. We saw a strong heart beating at 153 beats per minute, and we were reassured that everything is going very well. What relief! I feel like I can finally start to breathe. I have tried from the beginning to be optimistic about this pregnancy. My motto has been, "I'm going to enjoy this for as long as it lasts, whether that's for a few days, or 9 months." But now, I'm excited as I can be. I'm ready to research cribs, car seats, and other baby gear so that we can keep this little one safe and happy after he/she gets here.
I've been fighting with Blogger for about 15 minutes to load some pictures, and I'm about to give up. I guess I'm going to make another post just with pictures, since I'm having some technical difficulties!

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