My 41 week appointment this morning sucked. Sorry...there's just no way around it. Last week, I saw Dr. Basham, and she was Ms. Optimism. She said that I was about 2 centimeters dilated and that Sprout's head was "packed down in there." She decided that I probably would have Sprout before Wednesday (the 8th), but wanted to see me on that date if I hadn't. She also went ahead and set an induction date for Saturday the 11th, but said she felt certain that I wouldn't make it that far. She even said, "If we have to induce you on the 11th, it won't take much because you're so favorable." I left that appointment on Cloud 9. I really believed that Sprout would come on his or her own in a matter of days.
But no. I went to my appointment today with Dr. Brown, who told me that I'm "maybe 1cm dilated and 50% effaced" and that Sprout is "still pretty high." He told me that he's much less optimistic about my not needing an induction. So much less optimistic that he moved it up from Saturday morning to Friday night at 11pm because I "have a lot of laboring to do." Pardon my blog language, but WTF?! How can two highly educated and experienced individuals give me such different ideas about what's going on here? Methinks someone is blowing smoke up my rear, and I think I know who it is.
I have really been struggling with this news today, and I feel like nobody gets it. So many people have said, "Oh, it'll be fine. Lots of people are induced." Or, "But at least you know when it's going to happen!" Or, "Just think...in just a few days you'll be holding your precious baby!" Or, "The most important thing is that the baby gets here." Yeah, people, I get it. But it still is hard news to swallow, especially since I've spent so much time and energy focusing on getting this baby here as naturally and intervention-free as possible...because I know THAT'S the birth that will be best for my baby. I waver between thinking that I'm thinking only about ME and the birth that I want, but I want a natural, intervention-free birth so badly because I know that's what's best for my baby. And what hurts the most is that I feel like I've been defeated before I even got the chance to TRY.
So anyway, anyone who knows me personally would never accuse me of being an optimist. I am an eternal pessimist, and I have embraced that fact. My rationale is this: if I'm pessimistic, then I am never disappointed. It drives my husband crazy...but his eternal optimism drives me crazy, too. Anyway, here's how things will go in my mind: induction starts at 11pm Friday night-->contractions on pitocin are much stronger/longer than "real ones", so I cave and get an epidural-->epidural slows down labor-->doctors/nurses grow impatient and decide that they have to break my water to speed things up-->with water broken, I'm now "on the clock" and at their mercy-->doctors/nurses get tired of my laboring and say I have to have a c-section-->have the c-section and miss out on skin-to-skin with my baby (and breastfeeding) for at least an hour-->baby has trouble latching because he/she is groggy from the drugs and we've missed the golden hour and we have trouble establishing breastfeeding-->I'm so discouraged with my stupid c-section and problems breastfeeding that I'm depressed and can't even enjoy my baby-->give up on breastfeeding and give formula-->baby doesn't get all of the benefits of breastmilk and grows up to have allergies, a low IQ, and doesn't have a good relationship with me. Most folks out there would say that I've given a very dramatic (maybe over the top) scenario, but I know that it's not totally out of the realm of possibility (except maybe the low IQ/bad relationship thing).
I'm also struggling with the fact that in a way, I see this as my body failing me again. A woman's body was created to have babies...I just think that's the bottom line. My body failed me in February 2010 when it couldn't keep our first baby alive. Now it's failing me again because it won't HAVE the healthy baby that it's grown for the past 9 months. I'm just so darn frustrated!
Let's go back to this comment I've heard several times, "Well, at least you KNOW when the baby will be here!" Yes...and that's part of the problem. You see, while I want this baby desperately, and I can't wait to have him/her here, I'm really not too keen on the getting him/her here. When I have to do something that I don't want to do (either because I think it'll be too hard, or too boring, or too uncomfortable, etc.) I just don't think about it. I will prepare for it, but during the preparation, I don't actually think about the fact that I'll be doing whatever thing it is I'm preparing for. Then, all of a sudden, it's happening, and I'm doing it, and I haven't gotten worked up over it because I didn't let myself think that it would actually happen. I think I've done a really good job of doing that the last 9 months. I mean, I know that this baby's got to come out somehow, but I haven't really let myself think about the pain involved. I was really hoping that I would wake up in the middle of the night with contractions about 5 minutes apart. That would give me no time to think about "going into labor" and I would be forced to just go with the flow. With this scheduled induction I have nothing but time to think about it and dwell on the pain, what could go wrong, the fact that I'm not sure that I can do it, that I will consider myself a failure if I have a c-section, etc.
As if all of those thoughts and fears weren't floating around in my brain, I'm trying to reconcile all of this with my faith. I know that it's all in God's hands, and that He can do absolutely anything. He can make this baby come any time and in any way He wants. He could put me into labor right this minute (please!), or maybe this whole induction thing is part of His plan. I wonder if maybe He's still working on teaching me to trust in His time and not mine? Probably so. So...I've wondered today, do I pray to go into labor on my own? Do I pray for the induction to go ahead as scheduled? Do I pray just to avoid a c-section? I've thought all of those things, but the prayer I think I'm supposed to pray (which, I'll be honest, I don't want to do) is that His will is done and that He helps me to be okay with it, whatever it is. It's so hard for me to remember that He knows what's best...I just think I know what's best. I feel like he's saying to me, "Trust me. Just trust me." So, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go humble myself and pray the prayer I don't want to pray.